I can really relate to that, because we were all supporting each other for months as we watched my 47 year old brother wither away before our eyes. We didn't have a funeral for my brother, we had a Celebration of Life. Which in my opinion is so much better than a funeral. All of us kept goi
ng over to our younger brother's house almost every day, until most of us had to go back to work. When I was 'alone' (I'm never alone, I have a spouse and 5 kids.) I felt so lonely, because I had nobody around me who felt so crushed like I did. Sure my kids were sad and grieving in their own way about their uncle, but he was my strong brother who used to kick the shit out of me (us)....never in a million years would I have imagined something like this could happen to him.
I guess right now I am going through a guilt phase. I feel like I took our time together for granted....thinking that all four of us would grow old and gray together. Every day since he has passed there hasn't been a day that I haven't cried at least once. When I go to talk about him, tears well up in my eyes.
I want to go visit my sister-in-law so badly. I have been working over time, and when I am free I do stuff around the house. Honestly, I know I am making excuses....I actually faced my excuse head on inside myself today. To be quite honest with you, I don't know if I can walk into her house without grief swallowing me whole. I haven't been there since he passed in hospice.
I keep thinking about his birthday in April instead of texting him and roasting each other I'll be wishing him a Happy Birthday in Heaven. I won't be getting a text message from him in May telling me Happy Birthday and asking me if I feel old yet. I'll miss our 4th of July BBQ's at your house....I'll miss everything...miss everything.
